"Wha?" I said. "What would that even involve?"

"ORGANIC AND FAIR," it added emphatically.

"Well, I guess that's good--"

"HAND-SCOOPED."

"What? What's hand-scooped? The plums? Are there scoops of bars?"

"WITH CARAMELIZED BACON!"

"WHAT?"

Now I was talking in caps as big as the (actually fairly low-key) wrapper of this chocolate bar. I figured that I had better get some answers for myself. I picked it up. And this is what happened then:

"Exquisite dark chocolate filled with coffee, plums, bacon, and chocolate cream."

I looked at the ingredients to see what they meant. Oh yes, those things were in there. And so much more. Don't even read it, you're not going to believe it. No, don't. Go read The Onion or something. It's a lot more realistic and believable.

Sugar. Chocolate liquor. Cocoa butter.

Plums.

Full cream milk powder. Milk. Fructose-glucose syrup. BACON.

Hazels. (Hazelnuts?)

Rum. AND red wine. Soy lecithin. CINNAMON. Coffee. Cardamom, salt, star anise.

Dude. WHAT?

I had to get it.

I can't even taste the bacon, most of the time. This is very disappointing to me. The Simpsons promised me fudge-wrapped bacon! I do, however, taste... fruity tart plums, a salty buttery something that could involve bacon, and then the cinnamon/cardamom/anise flavors at the end with a lingering caramelized kind of finish. Sometimes if I sneak up on it and bite it up real fast it has a gritty consistency like you might find if you ground up some bacon with your chocolate.

The coffee is there under the plum, but I have a hard time distinguishing coffee and chocolate flavors I guess. It is very fudgy and a lot tarty. The flavors just keep coming at me, a lot like the words on the label did. It's all "COFFEE! NOW CAN YOU TASTE ME? COFFEE COFFEE CFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! HA HA HA!" Whoa.

What confuses me I guess is that it doesn't taste like chocolate. It is chocolate around other things. A LOT of other things. Very enthusiastic things. But you know what? I got fair warning when they said BACON.

Still. Where's my bacon?